Your Choice
from the heart that holds heaven
“I forever stand by my statement that living with grief is one of the hardest things humans experience in this world”
I forever stand by my statement that living with grief is one of the hardest things humans experience in this world.
Miscarriage #1 in December 2021 broke my heart. Miscarriage #2 on Mother’s Day of 2022 almost broke my soul. Doubt creeped into my faith- and I let it. I questioned God, His sovereignty, His goodness, His faithfulness. Grief almost pulled me from God.
Third loss, ectopic pregnancy in September 2022, showed me how God was with me in the valley. We pleaded for Him to naturally resolve the pregnancy in some way, so we wouldn’t have to make a choice the contradict our beliefs. God showed up. My pregnancy resolved on its own with no need to make any decision that contradicted our beliefs. He protected us. His sovereignty was clear in this valley. His faithfulness and goodness comforted us through this loss with unimaginable peace. Emmanuel, God was truly with us.
Fast-forward to my only living daughter, our tangible example of God‘s kindness and faithfulness. Her entire pregnancy was plagued with thoughts from doctors that she would not survive, and if she was born alive that it would be short-lived.
Our baby is healthy, perfect, and almost one years old.
As I sit here now, going through the most unexpected loss of all- our fourth- I hold my sweet miracle child in my arms. For some reason, our blessing won’t make it earth-side this time, yet again. I am reminded of the journey I’m about to go on, and how important it is to guard my faith. I have seen the goodness of God. I have felt His unimaginable peace in suffering. I know He is with me. I will not let anything steal my joy. I choose to press harder into the loving arms of my Father and away from the grief that this world wants to keep me in.
Not a day goes by where I don’t long for all of my sweet babies to be in my arms- but I know God feels that pain with me. He sits with me, ready to comfort. Until that day that we are reunited in heaven- I will hold all my babies close to my heart in faith. I will guard the belief that I will see them again. What a joyous day that will be.
