The Titles I Didn’t Ask For

from the reluctant healer —

“But life has a funny way of reshaping your path, doesn’t it?”

Nurses run in my family. Generations of them, in fact. My mother, my grandmother, my aunt, they all wore the badge with pride, pouring their lives into helping others. And then there’s me, the first generation to step away from that path. I never felt a calling to the profession. To me, it seemed to carry more pain than it was worth.

But life has a funny way of reshaping your path, doesn’t it? Because here I am now, holding not only the title of “mom” but also caregiver, nurse, and advocate. Titles I never wanted, never asked for, but ones I wear every single day.

I give medications to my child through a G-tube at all hours of the day and night. My mind is a constant whirl of questions, calculations, and vigilance. Was that movement a seizure? Did she vomit too much today? Has she had enough food? Are her medications working the way they should? There is no break, no pause, no moment where I’m not watching, waiting, bracing for the next thing.

They tell you to savor the moments, to cherish the time you have. But what they don’t tell you is how hard it is to find those moments when you’re constantly in project management mode. Every part of me is focused on keeping her safe, keeping her stable, keeping her here. The sweet moments I crave, soft smiles, quiet cuddles, feel so fleeting in the chaos.

It’s hard. It’s been hard. And I know it’s only going to get harder.

I didn’t ask for these titles. I didn’t want to be a nurse, or a caregiver. The only title I ever wanted was “mom.” And yet, here I am, wearing all of them, because she needs me to. And no matter how much it hurts or how heavy it feels, I’ll keep showing up for her. Every single day.